I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
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It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
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Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
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