I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
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