I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
