Porn is love you can see.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
