My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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