just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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