4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
