I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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