I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
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