WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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