I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
