I didn't shave. On purpose
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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