You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
