My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
