I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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