70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
