he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
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Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
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There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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