remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
