Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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