The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
So vagazzling was a success
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