wanna go halves on a baby?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
