That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
