Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
