he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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