I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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