his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Randomize
