shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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