So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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