I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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