i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
