I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
