Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
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I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
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If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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