The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
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