so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
