im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
