I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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