I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
