I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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