I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
