Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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