i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Randomize
