Even the bartender felt bad for me
So gin and wine won't be happening again
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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