She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
