OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
