My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
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Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
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I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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