Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
