You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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