I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
