Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Randomize
