I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening