8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..