that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
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I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
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I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ