My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
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