Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize