Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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