tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
