Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
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The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
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Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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