Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
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