I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
