New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
