As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
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6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
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Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old