Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
