I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
