on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
