i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
